An Open Apology To My Betters

I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I take the blame, unreservedly. I offer no excuses, aim no blame thrower, beg no mercy.

I apologize to my betters in the upper, ruling classes for being just a back woods rube, hick, fly over, no-nothing who should have no say in political matters because, and I quote, “You don’t know what’s involved.”

I’m sorry I listened to every word in my high school government class, did well in history and read the news in many different places so I could stay informed about what was going on in what I thought was my country. If I’d known I was just supposed to listen to you tell me which lever to pull, I imagine I could have cleared my DVR and perhaps read a romance novel rather than a philosophical or political treatise. I admit, I feel really stupid now.

I mostly feel stupid because I thought this country was about We, The People and not all about what upper class people thought I should be thinking about. Now, I completely understand why you prop up people like Kanye and the Kardashians. They really do distract from things like no budget in eight years, no pressing of charges against a woman who has been proving, for the past four decades what a criminal she is. I should, of course, have been watching The Real Housewives of Orange County or something, right?

I’m a total retard for thinking that my vote counted, and that the people I sent to DC to represent my wants were really there to make your life easier. Thank God it didn’t make mine any easier, right? Because, if I was doing well, and gaining money and power I might become a threat. Well, you made sure that couldn’t happen for so many Americans and small business people. Thank God you’re there for us.

I guess it was foolish of me to have read the Constitution from grade school on up and thought that our Founding Fathers meant that piece of paper for me and mine. It was your typical middle class hubris that made me think that the people in DC were there to make sure the entire country did well, and not just our upper class betters, that obviously know better than the stupid ballot cattle they depend on. 

I am also so very sorry, for not letting you tell me who to vote for in the past 30 years. I should have listened and then perhaps I wouldn’t have had to sift through hours of research of candidates and positions. You don’t even want to know what I suffered for amendments to our state constitution. If I’d know I should just go vote straight party ticket, well, it would have saved me quite a bit of time and agony in the voting booth.

You have no idea how big a fool I feel for attending precinct and county conventions for a political party, especially since you’ve shown me just how alike the two parties are. I really should sue Mr. James Ellis for teaching me differently in high school. And his miseducation continued through college. I should go sue them, too, for getting it all wrong for me. If I had just known to let people who know better than I make decisions for me about my life, well, I could have saved so many hours of thought, deliberation, and debate over those things. Who knew, just letting the county chairman bully me into doing as he pleased would allow me breathe easier, well, I tell you, I would have done it ages ago.

I think of all the time wasted thinking for myself, trying to live my life by my own sense of morality and virtue. I could have just attended an Occupy rally and had all the unearned moral superiority that you have. Honestly, if I’d known I should just let someone else support me and steal their prosperity would get me more of a voice, I can tell you, I would have done it decades ago. I think you may be on to something when you tell us to let you do the thinking for us.

However, I do have a few questions about how to proceed. I hope you don’t mind answering them, I mean, I know you’re busy running the country and stuff and that the questions of a little peon like me don’t really matter.

So, when I’m asked my political opinion, do you send someone to stuck their hand up my ass and move my mouth to their words? Because I really worry about getting your words wrong. Evidently, a lot individual thinkers get your words wrong, and I’d hate to be one of them, you know. Do you have a list of talking points somewhere that I can look at, sort of like crib notes in an exam?

When I go to vote, especially in a primary, will you send me a list of how I’m supposed to vote and feel on the candidates and issues? I’m not entirely sure I’m allowed to take a list into the booth with me. Am I expected to memorize these things, because I don’t think it’s going to fit into my brain if I’m also expected to keep track of which celebrities are wearing underwear and memorizing the TV Guide.

Do I have a right to free cable TV? Because if I’m expected to watch all this TV, I hope there is something on. I stopped watching TV almost completely early in the 2000s. Oh, and with that, can you tell me which cable news outlets are “the right” ones? As Mrs. Honeychurch chided her son Freddy, “Yes, Freddy, there is a right sort and a wrong sort.” Who knew Forester would get so much right back then, right?

I just want to make sure I get this right. I’m just so used to thinking for myself and making my own decisions, it’s going to take some time getting used to someone else doing it for me and telling me how to live my life. But, like any good draft animal, I will be broken into my yoke.

Power to the “Right People”!