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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Where I Am Today


I don't do regret.  I never really have. Because everything that I have done has brought me to where I am today and made me the person who sits here writing this blog.  And, I will be perfectly honest, I like the person sitting here writing this blog today.

Don't get me wrong.  I regret loving carbs so much I am looking at having to lose 30 lbs.  Stuff like that is normal for the human condition.  But regretting lost love or missed opportunities and spending my life "what if"ing is a stupid way to spend your life.  I don't spend a whole lot of time looking back, despite the number of friends I still have from my school days.  It means I liked those people before any of us knew what we would be and I still like them and they still like me... Or tolerate me at any rate.

I could regret not studying as hard in school as I did.  But, I don't.  Because I was easily bored I was lead down paths I would never have even seen if I'd stuck my nose only where my instructors told me.  I do not regret my horrific marriage to the father of my four children.  Because it taught me to completely appreciate the man I met and married years after the divorce.  A man who appreciated the me I was then and loves the me I am now.  I got lucky, extremely lucky, and no matter how crazed he can make me in his absent-minded professor worst, I never forget that.

I could regret studying a field I was mildly interested in as a child, instead of following what I was truly interested in at college age.  However, my hobby has proved much more intensely satisfying on this side of the fence than if I was forced to publish or perish government sanctioned bullshit to prove their power grab due to "global warming".  Due to my spreading my curiosity out amongst all of the valid sciences I did not get pigeonholed into belief that peer review was something evil and unwanted.  I learned that questioning one's premise is a good form of a gut check.  In other words, I don't need others to validate me if I am being true to myself.

I could regret the years I spent at home with my kids, loss of career mobility and such.  I don't.  I missed so much as it was anyway, but when I did get to stay home and observe the little monkeys they were, it was rewarding.  It taught me that motherhood and keeping a home is more important than earning enough money to own a boat or go on European vacations.  How do I know this?  My daughter who is expecting my first grand-child and her husband have decided she will stay home and not warehouse their child in the petri dish of disease that is modern day care.  If my staying home and the loss of my income was such a horror, then she would have argued to work through her pregnancy and thereafter vehemently.  Some things are more important than money and creating a safe home where your children feel safe to think and speak their minds and learn is one of them.  The other is a comfortable pillow, but that's for another blog post.

I could regret not being politically active.  I know most of you think I am because of my outspoken view points, but I'm really not.  There are few candidates and ideas I've actively campaigned for other than to discuss them at a cocktail party.  However, as a child I watched the Watergate fiasco play out on nightly TV and decided early on that all politicians were crooks and liars, regardless of party affiliation.  As in most things we vote for, I voted for the less of two evils, which is still voting FOR evil.  And, once I did stick my toe in the political waters of my county I was utterly sickened.  Sickened to the point I will no longer consider either political party.

I don't want to spend my "golden" years looking back on stuff I should have done or wanted to do and didn't, so I do it.  I was 47 when I learned to ride a motorcycle, despite it being a life-long desire.  Now I want to learn to fly a plane.  I won't qualify to get a pilot's license because of my myopia and diabetes, but I will know how to do it.  You never know.

Many people say I've done so many things in my life.  That may or may not be true.  I've never rappelled down the side of a building, and I should learn that.  Again, you never know. I've never been to the top of a very tall mountain.  I honestly don't see the point in that endeavor, but I'm not a mountain climber, either.  I've never been to the Amazon Rain Forest or driven a racing boat or been to outer space either.  Those things are not on my bucket list.  I've learned to fire guns, martial arts, yoga, meditation, and how to make bombs.  Not because I want to blow anything up, but again, because you never know. I know outdoor survival in a forest and winter environment because it was taught when I was in school as a girl. 

I also know first aid, and how to make chocolate chip cookies.  I can cook and bake.  I can embroider, cross stitch, knit and basic crochet.  I can also hem if needs be.  I can make soap and candles.  I know how to light a camp stove and lantern.  I can pitch a tent, change a tire and tune up an old VW Beetle.  I can catch and clean fish.  I learned this all by doing it, because I never wanted to be in the position of needing to know it and not knowing it.  That's the way I'm made, how my brain is wired.  I don't know of many who are that way to be honest.

The only thing I would regret is being stuck and needing to know something that would get me out of a tight spot, but I was too busy being what others expected of me to learn it. So I learn as much as I can.  And that, I will never regret.

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