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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Don't Try Suicide

On their 1976 album, News of the World, the rock group Queen had a song called "Don't Try Suicide".  Believe it or not it's a catchy tune.  In it, Freddy Mercury sings:
Don't try suicide
Nobody's worth it
Don't try suicide
Nobody cares
Don't try suicide
You're just gonna hate it
Don't try suicide
Nobody gives a damn

Now, I want you to remember that I am a person who thinks that rational self-interest is possibly the highest virtue anyone can have.  I consider suicide to be the most selfish, hurtful act anybody can perform and yes, nobody gives a damn after you've done it because they are too angry at you for killing what they loved.  Also, there is a reason that suicide is abhorred by most cultures on this planet.  It's a cowardly, hateful act upon ones self.  It is inexcusably selfish.   And when I use selfish in this instance, I mean it in the way rational men mean selfish, self-centered and evil.

You see, I have seen many victims of suicide, the people left behind to deal with the detritus of another's stupidly lived life.  I know a woman who refused to connect in any way whatsoever with her only child because she feared that one day she would commit suicide like her father had and he would be emotionally ruined as she had upon finding her father's corpse.  Oh yes, him killing himself was so much better for her than him finding a way out of his despair.

I've seen the hollow, shell shocked eyes of parents who are trying to figure out what THEY did to cause their stupid, selfish, attention-whore of a daughter to kill herself. Why was she so miserable?  She wasn't miserable, she loved the attention that her previous attempts had brought her and took a bit too far this last time.  It doesn't matter that she didn't mean to kill herself, not really.  All that matters is that she is now gone and they are left trying to put pieces of a puzzle together that they never wanted in the first place.  She took those pieces with her and they're unwilling to accept that she was an ungrateful little bitch who wasn't getting enough attention from the world and killed herself trying to get more.

I've seen the stunned looks of spouses who are trying to hold it together while they mentally scream at the one person they loved most, "WHY???".  Because nothing says I love you more than taking all the answers with you.

I've seen the confused looks of friends, the closed looks of cops and the disgusted looks of health care professionals upon discovering a suicide.  I've seen the drama left behind.

The biggest thing of all is that regardless of the despair or vanity that suicide demands, the people left behind are usually unanimous in trying to forget that person because of the emotional pain involved.  They can't deal with it so they shut it down and shut out the better memories of that person.  They turn to hate to burn out all of the love they felt because it's easier than dealing with the unanswered questions.

Many suicides are in such deep, emotional pain and we never know it. The ones who are are quiet and never let on that they are.  You just wake up one day that they have taken themselves out.  I can't imagine that kind of emotional pain, because quite frankly, I'm a little too much in love with myself to ever see that kind of suicide as a way out.  I've never been a melancholy sort.

Not all suicides are in such horrible emotional pain.  In fact, a good many aren't.  The ones who use suicide attempts as a tool to control those around them and garner attention are the ones I have no idea why anyone would want to save them. They are vain narcissistic people who would never really harm themselves as their universe revolves around them and their wants.  To those people I say, Go for it!  I wish you well and hope you succeed.  But please, make a video or leave a note before you do, telling those unfortunate folks who actually may like you, that you're a selfish piece of crap who just wanted more attention.  So that they can go on blithely living their lives, happily without you in them.

There are folks out there who feel that no one loves them, do not care if they are around and do not like themselves.  I don't get that, but I realize they exist.  There are people we touch in our lives that we don't even realize.  There are people who touch us that never realize the extent of the caring involved that go into connecting to another does another person.  In short, they do not realize their importance in the lives of others around them.  Much as George Bailey in "It's A Wonderful Life".

The fact of the matter is, no matter how good or bad we feel we are, there are people who, despite all facts and reality, love us.  I think this fact astounds me as much as anyone.  I'm amazed when anyone considers me their friend.  It's not because I believe that my friendship is without value, it's because most people do not realize the value I put on friendship and therefore, when they give me theirs it is a precious gift.  I respect it and hold it in high regard and to a fault, I am very loyal to my friends.

Acquaintances I have in abundance, but friends, true friends, I can count on one hand and perhaps have a finger left over. Because I do hold it so valuable, I would never give it away cheaply nor expect others to do so.  I love them dearly and I would be seriously diminished by their loss.  I would be able to get through it, but I would miss them greatly.  If they killed themselves, I would not be so easily comforted.  Because you see, I would hate anyone who killed my friend, even if that murderer was themselves. (I'm not entirely sure I've conjugated that past imperfect verb correctly, so feel free to point out any glaring grammatical errors.)  It would pain me even more not to be able to avenge the death of my friend.  The anger and resentment would erode any love I had left and I would end up just not giving a damn enough to ever think of them again.

It does not matter what you've done, what you think you've done, or what you think other people think.  You simply have to love you more than you love any other thing in the world.  You have to realize that sometimes, you are the only person in the world that loves you and it will be enough.  Because, and this is completely based on observation, people who love themselves tend to engender that same reaction in other people who love themselves.  You have to start loving yourself before anyone else will see your worthiness, for if you don't hold yourself in high esteem, who else should?

So, don't try suicide.  The payoff sucks.  I'm possibly the last person on earth anyone should go to if they intend to do it.

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