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Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Wishes From Sev

Dear Santa,

In lieu of the onerous amounts of phat lewt I have begged for in past years, this year I decided to get much more existential, as it's a new word I heard at Starbucks the other day... but I digress.

I want you to save people from themselves.  If they are too fat from eating more than a horde of starving Marines home from their first tour in Afghanistan, make sure we have new legislation to keep them from being people who cannot control their own urges enough to eat a healthy diet.  Please make it a crime for any businessman to sell them quantities more than the First Lady determines is safe and healthy for us to eat as she has such an education and reputation as a dietician.  I mean, it seems like she has a degree in it or something from the way she carries on.

Secondly, please make the world safe for stupid people to afraid to live.  Wrap them in bubble wrap. It doesn't really matter if they suffocate as they're too afraid to live anyway.  You'll be doing them and the rest of us a HUGE favor.  Trust me on this.  If you could also find some kind of way to make all the fear mongers die of the things they are constantly Chicken Littling about, that would be epic.  Especially if you could have a polar bear eat Al Gore in a puddle of melting iceberg.  I'm sure you've got tons of polar bears up there by your place that are a little peckish this early in the winter season.

Most of all, Big Guy, I just ask that you hand out brains all around and maybe a smidge of common sense, if you could?  I mean, if common sense breaks out imagine all the government workers and bureaucrats that will have to seek real jobs.  Then, perhaps they won't be quite so sanguine about 100 weeks of unemployment benefits and the joys of not working.

But mostly, could you just tell everyone to settle down and enjoy life instead of dreading everything like it's the second coming of the Black Death?

Oh yeah, Halo 4 would totally rock, as well.  You know, just in case I made it to the nice list this year.


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