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Friday, May 01, 2015

Human Rites of Passage

I admit, I don't get many of the rituals around human life.  I get celebrating new life. To a degree I almost get weddings, but funerals?  Those things completely mystify me.  So let me break it down, so perhaps someone will be able to 'splain it to me in a way I can understand.


Now, before you scratch your head and think I don't see the need for marriage, I totally understand marriage. I do not, however, understand weddings.  After my youngest daughter married I made all of her siblings swear to me they would elope or head to the JP for State Sanctioned approbation.

My daughter was married on the coldest, iciest day in December of 2013.  It was a small affair with family and friends who could brave the roads.  The venue of wedding and reception had changed just days before the wedding causing me to go absolutely insane.  Exactly six months later my niece was married on a very hot day in a small church and had a very loud reception that even she did not enjoy.  Why?  Because her mother in law was having her wedding at my niece's expense.

Why on earth do we put ourselves through the hell of grand weddings since most marriages last about 5 minutes before they're in divorce court fighting over the salad spinner neither one wants?  Neither my daughter nor my niece are divorced, but you know what I mean.  In our society forever is about two years.

We feed into the myth of weddings when our daughters are little.  She'll get to be the princess and it's all about her.  How is this mentally healthy?  The wedding is not a big deal.  I've been married twice and both times I was married by a judge.  Why?  Because people are stupid about weddings.  Marriage is difficult enough without bringing in the sheer madness that is the fairy tale wedding.  Weddings are a MYTH.  You want to be a princess?  Marry a prince.  Ask Kate Middleton how that's going.

My husband and I got married by a District Court judge in our local courthouse who stepped up when the JP "forgot" he'd agreed to marry us.  This is typical of our relationship.  We'd been engaged for a year, took a trip to Nawlins and on the way home he decides we just HAVE to get married RIGHT NOW! So we went and bought the license at lunch on Monday, I made the arrangements to have the state put their seal of approval on the thing and Friday afternoon, took off at lunch and we eventually got married in Judge Johnson's office with his clerk Carla and my ex-husband as our witnesses. Then we went to eat and home for video game playing.  I can say without a doubt that we've had huge problems, but we got through because we're dedicated to each other and making this thing work.

We've been through bad times, having to work on getting our credit score up, the death of a child, and buying a new home and moving, kids growing up, going off to war, moving away, marriage and now grand-kids.  But we meet each challenge head on, united, as a team because our relationship is important to us.  Just us, no one else.  No one else cares.  So why invite everyone, accept presents we don't really need, spend money we don't have on a wedding?  I honestly believe it's all in the pursuit of presents.

Who doesn't love presents?  Everyone loves getting presents and a wedding is the perfect opportunity to get tons of them.  Who cares if you don't need 3 toaster ovens?  You got to open a present!  And since most couples have set up house BEFORE marriage these days, it's not like you need anything more.  At that point it's sheer avarice.  Thank you, but no.

So here is my advice to couples.  Get your license, get to a judge, JP or minister and just get the sanction on it and then live your lives, together.  Harness all the energy you would put into a momentary thing and put that energy into your marriage.  If you just NEED a freakin' party, have some friends over, drink some wine, make some food.  But if you make it all about the wedding, you have nothing left over for the marriage.  That is my observation.


I don't understand funerals, I never have.  It seems to me to be more for other people than for the person who is... DEAD! If it's all about closure then have a wake.  Why should the death of someone be so sad and somber?  If a funeral is anything close to being about the dead person, celebrate their damned life.  This is exactly why I refuse to have a funeral.  I want people laughing, happy, and telling good stories about my life (there are a few), not standing around moping and crying.  My life wasn't about that, don't make my death about it.

Now, first off, I don't get burial.  Burn, cremate, whatever, but stop using perfectly good land to store your bones.  It's no longer your body.  YOU'RE DEAD!

I am donating my body to UTMB-Galveston school of medicine so that future medical professionals can learn human anatomy and then my remains will be cremated and the ashes spread in the Grand Tetons.  It's not like I will ever be back in that body, and frankly, after all of the decomp over the ages, who wants to go back to that?  Jesus Christ, people, help me out here and stop being so freakin' stupid!


Put aside the stupid myths and superstition we have about death.  You will never, ever use that body again. No one in history ever has, with the exception of two people in the Bible, Lazarus and Jesus.  Unless you're them, and you're not, you don't need that body, and frankly, the living can use the land for something productive.

Just like weddings, why the f$ck do you need a grand party... WHEN YOU'RE DEAD?  It's not like you can attend.  You don't get to participate, so why is some expensive, great funeral even among the thoughts you have about the end of your life?  If your family insist on something like that, then you know it's all about them and has less than nothing to do with you.  You're dead, it's not like you'll care.  You people act like you're actually going to be there to direct and enjoy things.  YOU'RE DEAD!

I've yet to meet one single person who likes funerals. So why go?  If you didn't show the person respect and reverence while they were alive, why do you think it will make a difference when they're dead?  Are you serious?  I know what you were thinking just now and yes, you just made it all about you and what you need.

I loved my grandparents.  I loved my paternal grandparents greatly.  I never expressed this love while they were alive.  I didn't even attempt it after they died.  There was no way I could.  Because they were dead and it was too late.  It taught me to show people what I feel now, this minute, because I may never get another chance.  You don't get "one last chance" after the person is dead.  They are dead.  They can't hear you, can't see you, and really no longer give a shit. Unless you can prove otherwise, shut up now. And as proof I will need more than some ghost story or how you feel Great Nana's presence when you sit in her old rocking chair.  That's your emotion, not logic speaking.

I also tend to forget birthdays, anniversaries, stuff like that.  Oh look, I'm another year old.  Yay.  I cannot ever remember the year I got married, even though it was in 2000.  I have to seriously think about it and then I second guess myself so I have to drag out the wedding license to make sure.  The first year we were together, my husband bought me mums in October for my birthday.  My birthday is in June and I despise mums the way most kids despise spinach.  However, I get birthday presents a couple of times a year from a man who doesn't get the whole birthday thing either.  I'm not complaining.  The only reason we remember his is because he was born on the very first Hippie Day in 1970.

I guess you could say I don't really get most human rites concerning rites of passage.  I didn't have a Sweet 16 party, and my daughters didn't either.  For my oldest, we had a party at a local park and BBQed hamburgers and hot dogs for hers.  Because she's the type of person for whom these rites mean something.  My other kids are more like me.  My youngest daughter, after her wedding, begins to see the light as she prepares for her daughter's first birthday party.  My granddaughter is 4 months old.  My oldest daughter has agreed to elope and inform us after that she's married and we can do a small dinner after as a reception.  Because, she admits, it's about presents.

I don't get much except for Baby Showers.  Those I completely get.  Babies need so many things and shouldn't your friends and family really share that pain while you're busy paying off the obstetrician and hospital?  I give diapers and wipes.  Always.  Because that's what they really need.  They don't need cute clothes the kid grows out of in five minutes.  I keep giving diapers, wipes and formula.  Something the parents need, not some stupid toy you find out is dangerous the moment your kid grabs it.

So consider these things, wedding, funerals, birthdays.  Most of them are a waste of money and time when all is said and done.  I understand a need to celebrate.  Hell, I drink a beer when The Netherlands is in the finals of the World Cup, I put on an Orange shirt and  cheer like a maniac.  That's all about me.  I love it when the Astros win.  I get excited when The Texans look like they may get into the play-offs.  That's time for a celebration.  But weddings, anniversaries, and funerals?  Who needs a party? When you understand the answer to those questions are the guilty and the greedy, then perhaps you'll understand me a little better.


Anonymous said...

Here is my advice to men in the Western world. Do not marry. Ever! All the laws are stacked against you. In your late thirties your big head will start to over rule your little head. If you are not a complete screw up, your value will increase and the value of a "normal" woman of about your age will decrease in a never-ending spiral, as will her attractiveness.

Enjoy your middle and old age without being bound to some old hag. Go to youtube and search MGTOW.

Severine said...

Or, you could get married without all the hooplah and use the money, instead to buy a home? I'm spitballin' here but I sound less bitter.

Anonymous said...

Uhmmm. So how will buying a home keep the men from being on the hook with no fault divorce, child support and alimony (which is what much of the child support really is), Ms. Snarky? At last view 70-75% of divorces in America are filed for by women. Many "just aren't happy" and of course it is the man's fault. Commitment means something to most men, not to most women. Then the man becomes a slave of the woman and the state.

Seriously, listen young men. The internet can be a wonderful tool. Listen to men 20 or 30 years your senior. Go to youtube if you don't have male role models. Do not make the same mistakes they did. One of the bright lights in a fallen age is that young men are wising up. Maybe being raised by a single mother helps. You ARE NOT ALONE. Seek council from the father you didn't have (or that your mother kept you from having)! Do not waste your life!

Most men in prison are the products of single mothers. The most dangerous place in the world is the womb. There is a good chance your mother will murder you. Your father will have no say in the matter (it is her body!).

I don't mean so sound bitter here. Do you think you could sound less condescending? You do have sons. Do you think maybe you could consider them sometime? What about your grandsons? Do you care at all about them?

How many failed marriages do you have, Ms. Snarky? Of course it had to be your husband's fault (plural!!!). What did it cost you vs. what it cost them? Oh, that is irrelevant because you are woman, hear you roar. Helen Reddy is way out of date.

Ask your sons what they think. You don't know it all. Maybe you are old enough to at least admit that.

Severine said...

I see no reason, whatsoever for any male to desire to get married and have children today. I blame this squarely on the backs of the Feminazis.

However, if men do decide to get married, make it about the marriage, not the wedding. If your girl is all about the wedding, wlk away and don't ever look back.