In light of the Pigford Settlement fiasco and all of the waste and fraud now coming to light at Breitbart's BigGovernment.com I have decided that I, too, deserve slave reparations. I think all of you could get in on it, too. Hear me out.
I am of Irish, Scottish and German descent. I could, reasonably it now seems, ask for slave reparations from Denmark, Sweden, Norway and possibly Italy for possibly enslaving my ancestors thousands of years ago. Because Vikings enslaved conquered peoples, Romans enslaved conquered peoples. I got history on my side. All I have to do is claim an "institutional memory" of slavery and I'm off to my own Caribbean island! Seriously, the Pigford gits have set a fascinating precedent. And I aim to cash in. Yes siree, Bob. I am going to get rich by claiming I am hereditarily haunted by Vikings, big strong, strapping Vikings, oiled down and wearing nothing but a loin cloth, preferably like Karl Urban in Pathfinder, raiding my ancestral home town, kidnapping and having their wicked way with me before setting me in their fields of barley... what was I talking about again? Oh, yeah, reparations... anyway, I want them to pay big for my, uh, "nightmares". Then I can pull the same scam on Italy for well muscled Roman legions raiding my ancestral home town, and some good looking Italian or Latin, oiled down, legionnaire swaggering into my town, smiling and saying "ciao, bella" just before sweeping me into his arms and making mad, passionate love to me... Nightmares, I tell you!
Now, do not get me wrong, slavery is awful, horrible and morally outrageous. Asking for slavery reparations when you were never, yourself, or any of your line going back at least 5 generations, an actual slave, then the WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY HAS PASSED. If your ridiculously great grandfather refused 40 acres and a mule, then perhaps you ought to just accept that and move the hell on down the road, accept that your life is your mistake and no one else's, build a bridge and get the hell over it. Because, I will tell you this much buddy, I'm up to my eyebrows in listening to people whine about shit that has never happened to them personally. You'd think we spawned an entire race of emo kids, the way some carry on.
Oh, and if you're not black and still want them paid reparations, I suggest you write a check to them personally. Perhaps that will assuage your guilt for being the most useless git on the planet.
Now, get off my planet before I send you up in one of my special space probes. It's heading for the sun, oh, and did I mention there is no life support? Oops. I guess if you left any spawn behind they'll want reparations, too.