That's Not My Name

They call me 'hell'
They call me 'Stacey'
They call me 'her'
They call me 'Jane'
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name

In the past two years I've been called more names than in grade school, junior high, high school and college combined. I think you can even add in the names my kids call me when they think I can't hear them. I'm a mom. I hear everything I need to.

I've been called a bitch, uppity, stuck-up, elitist (this one tickles me to no end), let's see... witch, racist, hater, stupid (when combined with elitist this one ensures me to fall on the floor laughing), and my favorite, godless.

My only response to any of my detractors has always been the same, within the sphere of their understanding they are right. If you smile condescendingly just after you utter these words, the impact can completely disable your ankle biter. Trust me on this.

My question is, why can't they ever get me right? I'm easily identifiable to anyone with even a couple of firing neurons. I'm not a right-wing head case. And I have always submitted that if I am, indeed, a nut case, it's because of the idiots by which I am surrounded everyday. I'm an Objectivist, you morons! I believe in life, liberty and the right to a free market deciding everything! I am damned capitalist! Get it right!

I am not a soccer mom, PTA, or Junior Leaguer. I work because I go nuts sitting around my house all day worrying about whether or not my tile grout is white enough or if I've got enough sprinkles in the event there is a cupcake emergency somewhere. I also work because it's nice to have a little to put back in savings after we're done with the mortgage and property taxes. Oh, and I really like working, it makes me feel like a useful, productive part of society. I have no overwhelming desire to stay at home with children who are at an age where they can barely stand to be in the same town I am. So, thanks, I am afraid I'll have to skip the weekly mani-pedi girls day down at the spa. Yeah, just makes me sick, too.

There is a reason why conservative women are just now being "noticed" in the political world. Because we've pulled our heads out of our lives long enough to say "Hey! Not with my money, you don't!" And the libs want to make fun of Sarah Palin for the Momma Bear comment? Bitches, wait'll you get a load of me, and I ain't never cuddly or cute. (Now watch them go cry their eyes out into their pillows because I called THEM bitches.)

You can pretty much call me anything you like, but, if I disagree with you, I do reserve the right to slam a dictionary into your useless skull until you find the correct word by which I will tolerate you calling me. Just ask the boys outside the convenience store who once made the mistake of calling me a whore as I walked by with my children. I'm pretty sure that one of them stopped crying eventually. Call me what you like, but remember my name, because you will be screaming it in your nightmares for years after if you get it wrong.