When To Use Mayhap In Your Manuscript

An Open Letter to Lady Writers:

During this time of captivity and suffering through the inability to host and attend the numerous birthday parties in my family this time of year, I have had a ton of time to read. And so I have had some fun buying books by fellow writers who advertise on Facebook for their books on Kindle. In the past week I've picked up books that I have yet to finish and most likely never will. I hope whatever pittance the authors receive after Amazon takes their FICA like cut buys them a cup of coffee at a Denny's.

As a result of all of this experimental reading, which hearkens back to the heady days of Early Kindle Unlimited (misnomer, you're limited to 11 books unless you give them back or buy them). I found a ton of new to me authors whose books I still love and re-read often. But, yeah, didn't get any of that from this. It's like all of the losers of "Who Wants to Write for Milly Taiden" decided they could cut it on KU because it's all shit, isn't it?

I have read the worst drek it has ever been my misfortune to scan on a page. So I am going to offering a little advice to these new writers who are either learning English as a second language or perhaps never advanced beyond the Fifth Grade Spelling Bee. Pay close attention, because it really could help your next manuscript.

1. Never, ever, and I mean NEVER use Google Translate for anything more than a word of two of a language you don't know and don't speak and have no idea what you're saying. Google Translate is hilariously bad at translation. Find someone who speaks and writes that language and ask them, nicely, mind you, to translate it for you and explain the nuances of what you're trying to convey with the use of the word so you get the RIGHT DAMNED WORD FOR THE SENTENCE. I woke my husband up the other night when I read the WORST translation of English into French. Here is a hint, oh immature writer, Google Translate does a word for word translation, in that exact order. Written: My name is Severine. Google Translate: Mon nom est Severine. Correct Usage: Je m'appelle Severine. Do you note a difference? Did you take high school Spanish? Language is a precious gift given to us by the gods. Use your damned head for something more than a glory hole.
2. Know the difference of the voices in your narrative. Whose point of view are you using? What type of language do they use? How do they use it? Are they formal? Is everyone? Just one person is using modern speech? You know how is excellent as this? Dana Marie Belle in her Gray Court series. Read it and learn from a master. Know whose voice you are writing down, stick to it. I've had to go back and re-write half an entire book because, for some reason, I started writing in third person in a first person narrative.
3. Urban Fiction is ALWAYS written in first person. If you cannot write in first person, don't try to write Urban Fiction. First Person narrative is hard because you are limited as to the ways you can introduce information and it's always from the narrator's POV.
4. Learn English grammar. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! If you are writing and you don't know the difference between could give a shit and couldn't give a shit, then you don't need to do any more writing than it takes to fill out that job application at Starbucks. Learn the use of literary devices, idioms, adages and maxims CORRECTLY. Why? Because you look as ignorant as any hillbilly, living in a shotgun shack in the Ozarks getting ready to marry their cousin/brother. Writing is the use of language. When used properly your words can convey such feeling, such mood. The words you write down are the difference between someone scanning your book and someone reading a passage several times because it's made them feel something so deeply. I will give you an example. In one of the Kate Daniels books, Ilona and Gordon wrote a scene where Kate finds herself so injured, paralyzed, and she realizes she can't protect her kid or Curran properly. She wants to die. It was so moving that just writing this little precis takes me back to that scene and I'm feeling the emotions all over again. Also, if you have to look up precis, perhaps writing the English language is not your thing and you should take up crafting Twatter responses to outrage. Spelling, grammar and logic have nothing to do with it and I feel you'll be right at home.
5. Learn to conjugate your fucking verbs properly. Oh, and learn your tenses and when to use them. I didn't learn to read and write in three languages to read your ignorant scribblings and improper verb usage.

Every writers sits down at their keyboard so sure they are going to write the story everyone wants to read. The next Harry Potter. I never thought that. I was just starting out and I wrote like crap. I look back at my first stories and I just cringe all day long because they're bad. Really bad, but I don't change them. No. I leave them there to show how far I've come.

I also have a strong love for language. It's why I love William Shakespeare and David Mamet. Their use of language is like being allowed into the library of the gods themselves. The wit, humor and strong emotions they evoke with nothing more than words on a page is absolutely amazing. And, just for your edification, I do not believe that any early 20th century American writer was even decent. You can take your F. Scott Fitzgeralds, Earnest Hemingways and *gag* John Steinbecks and stick them in the rubbish bin. They were awful writers, self-indulgent whiners. Most of 20th Century American prose is nothing more than the mental masturbation of pure retardation.

Read Jane Austen. Her use of language is superb. To a certain degree, even Charles Dickens is almost, nearly passable, but I just can't stand his whinging.

If you still don't get it, take a continuing ed class on poetry and learn more about how to use words to create a mood or images to the reader.

As for mayhap? I should never, ever NEVER read that word in a modern manuscript. You've pulled me right out of the story and I cannot, now, go back to it.